Bleach it out

2009-03-25T22:59:00.003+05:30

I feel bad, i cry it over...and then I'am ok. This is how it is.

Maximus said death is a friend that smiles at you and all you can do is smile back...I wish its as easy as it sounds.

obvious?

2008-09-13T23:52:00.002+05:30

she was beautiful and then.........she spoke.

what is obvious can obviously b wrong.(somewhere in PG)

Lithium

2008-09-12T21:14:00.008+05:30

As i've mentioned earlier..I'm too bad wid titles.. so the title of this one doesn't really means to make any sense.Well its been long since I last visited here..(still figuring y the hell I start my posts with the same type of lines over and again)…actually there was not much to write or share lately…or on the flip side things were too much to write and too personal to share.

I always kind of wonder y people write blogs when m not writing the one…and again in contrary…y people don’t when I write one.

Right now the feeling expressed later in the statement pretty much sums up my mental state..in a nutshell..just feeling crappy.

Sometimes I feel all crap that @ 2.00 a.m I hav no one to call and talk to about it. I feel so hopeless at such times. It’s not that I don’t have frenz… but they r all too busy with their own lives…'V' wid his bharat bhraman and all stuff…trying to find what he really wants from life… 'G'…quite bizy learning how to make money in her dream B-skool...'R' gearing up for his final year of coll life…and 'K'…nothing much I can say ‘bout him..not many ppl can stand and talk to ur face when they r really guilty for they did…and as someone rightly said..the most dangerous kind of ppl r the ones wid guilt…so no comments on that.

And since v r all in different cities(except for one) and since v don’t get to meet as often(often being an over statement here, seeing the fact that I’ve not seen any of them for past three years except for V and K), the closeness that we had seems to have vanished….really??

Sorry for getting so personal and emotional. I just got carried away….and since m just out of all those washing machine roll of events which has been happening to me for past four and a half months…its time to think something about CAT..u have to run from some places to stay at places…and in all this running and staying..its very hard to keep ones sanity…pretty hard.

Mid-September is almost here and I still have not started thinking about CAT , leave alone preparing for it…and the sad part is I have lost all faith in myself….even if I do manage to crack CAT by some sheer stroke of luck, I’m pretty much sure I'll screw up in the interview….ironically I took drop this year just to take CAT more seriously than I did it last time.

There is so much to do, with the CAT inching closer and closer with a compelling determination, but I’ve lost the will to study. I feel so lonely and insignificant right now that I’m losing myself to the routine day by day, minute by minute. . I am tired of all the superficiality . I’m in a mess and need to get out of it…. Soon.

All which still makes me going is a sher which I recently read frm 'V's diary(sorry.. couldn’t help:)

Saahil ke sukun se hamein inkaar nahi,

magar toofano se kashti nikaalne ka mazaa hi aur hai!!

Which also reminds me of what Sharad sir always used to say..”if u can’t control what is happening to u…start enjoying it”.

Next time will try to post something light..entertaining and fun to read. Probably (I just love this word)

Meanwhile bought a brand new guitar…which (un)knowingly is an attempt to feel better..and sliding fingers over its strings..is proving out to be an absolute bliss.

Untitled...i'm too bad with titles

2008-02-05T21:51:00.000+05:30

Okhay...first things first....

Well was watching auditions of MTV Roadies a few days back..Oorja, who was selected as a roadie last year and was first one to get eliminated, came again for the auditions... believe me Roadies is so addictive, be it watching r being one!

I guess she just wanted to meet Raghu and this is something I loved in the piece of conversation that they showed on Air. .many of u might have watched...might turn out to be a good motivator in the morning :-)

Oorja: y does this happen to me!!
Raghu: Nothing happens to u dear..u r the one who makes it happen..don't be a victim of circumstances, b a master of circumstances...

Oorja: Maine kya paaya hai?
Raghu: Mam apne kiya kya hai paane ke liye " (Bravo! I just loved this one )

so guys....if u really wanna achieve something, make efforts now...and be a winner!

Second things second..lol....College!!!

Well, here I'am, back to the grind that is my college.

So m back to my routine of not attending classes I'd paid for, to my routine of waking up just 20 mins before class, brushing n jumping into my clothes (often simultaneously) n then turning up for class about 30~40 minutes late. (yup its true..30~40 mins)
If the proff turns up before I do, and also happens to be a heartless evil lemming (which is, almost always), I just stroll to the canteen/tapri. Nothing like a cheap Rs. 2.00 glass of sickeningly sweet flavourless tea to kick out sleep of the system. At least for a while.

neways, when I get back to the college building for the second class, I'm all prepped up for some serious education.
It usually goes something like this.
Some teacher walks in, pulls out a couple of pages/chits/pen (well whatever the crap may b) from his pocket/s. He proceeds to scribble furiously on the blackboard trying to teach us the importance and conception of forces, heat flow, bending moment diagrams, quality management etc etc n so on. He goes on and on and on until I'm quite asleep.
This is about 5 minutes into the class. Then, for the remaining 95 minutes, I spend alternate mintues trying to wake up.
I fail miserably....or to say usually.

It's not as if I don't try to stay awake, but, they are equipped with a barrage of vexing subjects, dull personalities, annyoingly incorrect English, poor command of their subjects, and chalk powder.
And then, there's the deadliest weapon of all. A dull, boring monotone.

Every day, I survive class after class...and on and on and on!!!!!!

Usually, once the second half starts, I promptly doze off. After all, a little siesta couldn't hurt, eh?

At this point, it'd be good to clarify that I always sit in the very last bench. (or, the second last, sometimes).
It gives me more cover...n more power to hide :-)
I swear there are people who actually attend classes( want some names dude???), take notes, and listen to whatever is being taught.
Only, it's not my kind of thing. Not now.

On the positive side, I'm getting some extra endurance test....which'll probably help if i get into some b-skool kinda thing.
On the negative side, I'm not learning about a thing or two.

So, when you think about it, it might well be a win-win situation.

And what do I do if I'm ever asked a question in class? I use an ancient technique that everyone learns at school,
and uses till the last day of their lives.

"sorry sir, kal nahi aya tha"
I procrastinate.

Broken dreams....are good sometimes :-)

2008-02-03T23:58:00.000+05:30

Its been more than a month something breathed in this blog...CAT results r out...and the verdict is in...
the dream of being in an IIM is still a dream..the unlucky number was 96.73, not in any way close to standard of IIMs.
But as they say life's all 'bout moving on..better luck next time.

Past six months or so has been wild...if i'am saying it wild..believe me real wild..cat preps and six strings ruined my
social life..everything gets utter screwed up when u cant get the right module time slots. When u realise that you have
to choose between what u want to b and the things u r getting for granted...hardly been to college entire sem..had very
limited contact wid frens and still wanted to keep up with my social life; and still yet to figure out was that worth?
answer to which is now impossible to reflect.

cat preps nd solitude for last 6-7 odd months made me realise that i'am no wiser then neone else...does this wisdom
makes me wiser??..

so the question is what next? As frenz often ask..abe kya decide kiya fir??!!
well thats a tough one...what next? the choice was between b-skools next to IIMs and CAT 08..to be very frank
after much of introspection i found that there was no choice at all..for past half an year or so had that wierd feeling..a severely acute desperation to be in an IIM..and it felt so right..so generously spirited..i don't want this feeling to go away so easily..
i don't want to be a person for the rest of life thinking "shayad ek baar try karta tou IIM me hota"..
so what this time i coudn't..I will get up and work. I will push myself harder, and will ensure that i will follow the 3 golden words
to success. Citius , Altius and Fortius. Hope that this time i'll snatch that last inch which i missed this year..
As someone rightly said "Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."

meanwhile forgot that still there are lot of pending work to be sorted out..like need to rush some important project notes
before the deadline (abhinav will kill me if i don't),
and turning up for random gatherings( shael in particular :-)
and in the midst of all these, tell yourself that you want to really put in good effort this year..coz this year its now or never...
where in the world do you find the right frame of mind to do it - its going to be challenging.

CAT 08 here i come.

Calvin Says It All.....End Sems :D

2007-12-26T02:59:00.000+05:30

topic??

2007-12-14T04:51:00.000+05:30

A new day…kinda pleasant weather..and some new thoughts. Its been quite a time getting threat frm frenz that the blog is getting too personal…lol…. What the fuckkk…who cares... why is everyone so concerned ‘bout every damn thing in life… errrrr…am I goin off-topic????…I just hate the fact that I’m an ardent follower (rather a part, to say) of the same old conventional mindset that today I’m taking a break…but I can’t explain how I feel. Words fail me sometimes. I have read almost everyone from my vocab practice sheet, but I still have trouble making them come when I want them to..funny na…blame my poor retention. :) :D

Right now I want a word that describes the feeling you get – a cold, liberating feeling deep down inside- when u know u r free from everything…at least for a while. What is the word for that feeling? For knowledge and fear and excellence all mixed together?? Any?

Well havta leave now….just had a echo in mind that xamz r up...will try to continue this some other time….and yeah …may be with something of social concern :P

Worth a Watch .

2007-11-30T02:36:00.001+05:30

Nevermind

2007-11-28T01:08:00.000+05:30

Sitting at home these days and very tempted to write down my daily routine but i have been warned by my good friend against writing what she calls the… “I got up in the morning brushed my teeth..”or “sher-O- shayiri” kinda blogs. But monotony has hit life that hard, its come down to just those things…..i’ve been doin all those crazy things... right from jamming, headbanging to stuffs like growing hair(luks quite kool on me:D)..lol….still need a change. Hasn't been entirely monotonous at another level though there have been some downs (the compensating ups are missing i hope they come in bulk :D ). For example a friend of mine recently while pointing out good points and bad about me called me self centered and self obsessed! Shocked the speech out of me (People who know me will understand the seriousness of this expression!).

While it can be said that maybe he dint know me that well…maybe he dint mean it as harshly or whatever the fact is, it disturbed me a lot. Goes to show how unsure we are of ourselves and how much we depend on others... however close or distant for constant approval.
Logically speaking I could invalidate what he said... but then at some corner of my heart i yet doubt myself... or do... self centered...really?? Hmmm...thats a tough one...

Stepping one level deeper.... the thirst to achieve something and the yearning for success and meaning in life has overtaken me. I believe if I dont do something about it fast it will destroy me. The simple joy of wanting something, working for it and getting results eludes me. I'm beginning to attribute it to inherent character flaws and inability and that can't be good…still it’s a kind of perception…that might b different for u….

Oh well...whatever...Nevermind....m self obsessed!!!!

2007-11-25T16:06:00.000+05:30

I am suprised I actually remember my password to this place considering how often I’ll come here to write..I'd be even more surprised if anyone else came here to read(lol)....and of course grateful in my own little ungrateful way!
I wish now that I wrote more regularly, it might, just might clear my mind a bit. Now that I sit here, facing the screen, keyborad in front of me with the rare mug of coffee sitting on my table I seemed to have blanked out. All I can think of right now is that 23 square is 529!!.. And that's not such a bad thing to be thinking if you gave CAT just a week before!!
Let me get straight to the point, if it can be called that I feel that I'm being re-born. I feel like some very important part of me had a near death experience or was simply sleeping for a while. I didn't know myself. Days I would spend ...well that's just dramatzing it a bit..but yes a part of my brain would spend days wondering "who I am"..not in the spiritual-philosophical sense of the phrase rather in the more pragmatic.. who the fuck is this..is this me?? I don't even know this person I don't understand him, why he does what he does why he thinks and feels how he does. I guess I was growing up- ahh well all these r just theories...lets just say it feels gud to be back again! :)
I didn't enjoy being unsure of myself..questioning my own moves..the intrigues of the inner self r more than I can bear!
Confidence is more my thing..I like being this way and I hope I stay this way. whatever that "coma" was that I came out of- I hope I never go into it again!
I really do think however these were my years of growing up, of actually evolving as a person, of finalizing my principles, my tastes, my attitudes...each time I doubted myself and gave myself hell- it was just to create a template for the future to be sure that my choices in life were right to be certain that these were the choices that I would want to be identified with and this is the kind of person I want to become. I still have not become that person, far from it, nor indeed do I even know what that person is like- but I have a general sense of direction!
I shall always be my most ruthless critique and I won't enjoy it- but then that's part of the template I've chosen for myself. I wonder if this would make sense to anyone but me or someone who knows me very well. Oh, I love my mind's meanderings- sighh..actually I love anybody's mind's meanderings..I'm just having my late night chats about guitar, music, shael and of course what I want to be, so there's lots more where this came from but...well...my philosophical side and my super-practical side r forever in conflict and my super-practical side has had just about enough of this bull-shit! ..hope u not getting bored. :-)